Junk mail. It’s the reason you dread going to the mailbox every day. It’s why your mail carrier has back problems. Simply put, it’s the source of all the frustration in the world.
If you’ve ever wondered “why the hell are they sending me this”? Here’s the answer: Derrick S. of Wyoming, he’s the reason you treat your mailbox like it just told you it tested positive for VD.
Derrick refused to go on the record with his full name and address. We assume it’s to protect his parents’ home from hordes of pitchfork wielding citizens. He also asked us to hide his face for fear of retaliation.
From the basement of the home he has lived in for 42 years, Derrick has been patiently printing postcards, coupon books, and pretty much any piece of junk you can imagine. In fact, he’s very proud of the work he’s been doing over the past couple of decades. You can thank him for:
- Those sweet stacks of coupons in your “random sh**” kitchen drawer, all expired now because it’s been 6 months since you got them in the mail.
- Postcards from your mortgage broker telling you he can get you a lower rate than the one you just got from him.
- That letter you thought was important because it said “IMPORTANT!” on it, only to find a credit card offer from the Bank of Ridiculous Fees.
- Birthday cards from your Aunt in San Antonio with $5 checks in them and a message to “buy something nice!”
Ultimately though, Derrick understands the pain he’s causing the rest of the world. When asked why he does what he does, he said…
“At some point in my 20’s I realized I don’t have any friends anyway, so why the heck not”?
There is an upside to all this. Since Earth Class Mail was able to track down Derrick, we’ve partnered with him to help reduce the junk mail you get. All it took was a fat check from us and Derrick’s agreement to wear a Wi-Fi enabled shock collar.
Why you ask? Well, for only $19.99/mo you can unlock the “Zap Derrick” feature on your account. It’s really simple, just choose the option in your account anytime you get a piece of junk mail and Derrick’s collar will go off with a 120 volts of reminder that what he does is neither acceptable nor appreciated.
You’re welcome world.